College life ..endless memories

​As I was writing my third masters exam this time 

Don’t know everyone says I am just wasting my time writing these exams ..doing masters on masters

May be they are right but I don’t know I feel very happy going to the exam centre writing these exams..and in this process I come across new generation.

May be gen z generation students ..who are very comfortable with each other 

Boys and girls are comfortable with each others presence where as millennials had the phobia from opposite gender.

I was never comfortable to talk to boys ..but after a certain period I could as I was studying in women’s college and was suffering from this gender phobia 

Writing these exams is a chance to reminisce my college memories back 

When I hear theee groups talking I feel yar we used to be like them only 

Same talks 

Same carefree ness

Oh yes Change begins with you !

​It is rightly said by Mahatma Gandhi ji that 

“If you want the change then you have to be the change “

and yes I have taken it seriously 

Oh not just se seriously I have taken it very very seriously 

Motherhood makes you to grow as a person and you get to know new abilities of yours that you might have not come across 

Motherhood has made me a strong I mean more stronger than before 

And I am very proud of my baby’s mom who never gets afraid to stand for herself and her baby 

She will grow up seeing a stronger mumma and I am sure she will be proud of me one day for taking each little step which seemed to be difficult to take earlier are now very easier to take and I wonder I have not taken these steps before embracing motherhood 

I think motherhood shows you the strength you had which you were not feeling earlier.

Being a mom makes you a fearless women who is not afraid of taking any step which is necessary for her and her baby’s growth.

Birthday’s with Time

​Birthday Celebration is loosing charm was I age 

Once upon a time and that was before the weight of marriage was imposed on my shoulders 

No doubt Marriage is beautiful but it comes with invisible responsibilities and burden we tend to carry our whole life 

That may include to serve people for whom you can never become their daughter 

Actually today I feel a bit more proud of myself for standing for my own self in every manner and at every step.

Once Birthday used to be a month before feeling 

Yar mera birthday aaraha hain feb shuru  hote hi I used to get this feelings

It was always about fun,feast and laughter with my friends and my students 

My dear students still don’t forget to wish me on every birthday 

But now you expect someone else to wish you and understand you but as we know expectations always hurts 

Deep down you still want to enjoy your special day with your loved ones 

You keep telling that you don’t want to celebrate or don’t feel like celebrating but you are still a small kid who want to be celebrated 

I am literally loosing myself ,interest in everything because of environment I am forced to stay 

In such a situation where you can’t neither live  in it nor live outside it .

power of the moment

​seriously it’s important to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment as it’s not going to return back 

Today while scrolling my Instagram I came across few of my reels which reminded me how life was different and how we were different just one or two years back 

If we want them to back it’s not possible so its important to be in the moment 

We tend to forget to enjoy the present day and keep on worrying about the future 

When will get the life we have dreamt of without realising that today will also be a moment tomorrow 

Being in the moment is very important instead of worrying about future of dreams 

Why so much burden on self ?

Recently I was alone at home with my toddler

I Was doing the same chores at the same time

same responsibilities

same work

but this time it was very calm

a very calm and compost me

a very calm mind

no overthinking

nothing

i was having ample of time I felt

otherwise it always seemed to be running errands

but today I was nothing like that

I had the time for myself

to read ,to write ,to listen to my favourite playlist

could talk to my loved ones

everything was happening so smoothly

why can’t be my everyday is same as today ?

what bothers and makes my mental peace disturbed ?

may be

to meet the other’s expectations

to fulfill duties towards them

and something which can’t be expressed in words

U were never mine

U were never mine

Till now I was living In an illusion that you are mine but u were

जब भी ऐसा कोई टॉपिक/बात निकली हो जहाँ टाइम मुझमें और अपने परिवार में से चुनना होता

में हमेशा उस सूची में लास्ट सबसे लास्ट होती

जब मैंने कही कुछ कहा

और आपसे पूछा गया की क्या करना हैं जाने दिया जाए मुझे

तब आपने यही कहा की में क्या कहु आप बड़े जो करो वह ही सही

सच्ची में अगर मुझे जाने कि लिए कह दिया जाए बड़ी द्वारा तो भी आप मुझे नहीं रोकोगे ना

तो फिर आप हुए कैसे मेरे

में एक बड़े भ्रम में ही जी रही थी की आप मेरे हो

पर में कितनी ग़लत थी यह समय समय पर ही पता चलता हैं

मुझे आपसे ज़्यादा कुछ उम्मीद करनी ही नहीं चाहिए

झूठे होते हैं सब वादे

सब के सब होते हैं झूठे

सचाई यही जो मुझे जल्दी समझनी हैं की

आप कभी मेरे थे ही नहीं

और ना कभी होंगे

Nowhere to escape

It’s the big dilemma for an Indian man whether to take care of old parents dealing with one after the other issues related to their health and the side to give time to kid n his wife .

Indian society expects man to be present for the family and if he don’t he is not gonna considered to be a good son .

He has his share of struggles.

But is it fine to sideline them ? ..the word sideline may not be the right one but when he is not able to present with the baby n wife ..with the family he has created than that’s sidelining in one way.

सोचा था एक छोटा सा आशियाना बनायेंगे

परन्तु परिस्थिति ऐसे हुई की अधूरा ही रह गया

वह आशियाना मेरा तुझ संग

But

जानती हूँ की तेरे हिस्से हैं काफ़ी जिम्मेदारियों से भरा पिटारा

पर मेरे हिस्से भी नहीं कुछ कम जिम्मेदारिया

इस नन्ही सी जान की

जो निभानी पड़ती हैं अकेले ही

vichaar आया की कैसे मैनेज करती हैं

single पैरेंट्स

तरस गई हूँ सुकून की नींद को

शायद मेरी हालत भी सिंगल पैरेंट सी हो रखी हैं

आजकल

शायद लिख कर मन को

शांत कर लेती हूँ में

पर तुम कैसे करते होंगे अपने मन की व्यथा

को मैनेज

शायद

लड़कियां टूटने पर तो रो कर अपना मन कर लेती हैं हल्का

But

लड़को को तो समाज ने कठोर बने रहना का ज्ञान जो रखा हैं

रोएँगे तो कमजोर हो जाएँगे ना

क्यो नहीं कहता समाज की

रोना कमजोरी की निशानी नहीं हैं

Lapatta ladies !!!

Recently I am reading a book called Urmila (Sita’s sister).As this book is so wonderful it keeps me hooked and I Urmila ,sunayna(raja janak’s wife I.e Sita and Urmila’s mother ) and maharani sumitra (Lakshman’s mother).

world only knows the struggles Ram,Sita and Lakshaman has faced in the jungle but the emotional turmoil through which newly wed Urmila has gone through was never highlighted.

A women holds husband’s hand and come to his family ,to a whole new world but when she is being left alone to take care of husband’s family ..strange why is this women’s duty to take care of the family when their son is not around .she was being left alone may be surrounded by many but women feels alone when husband not around.

such was the story of Urmila sister of Sita ,Sita went along with her husband.Women can be very happy even in jungle ..in a hut having not much or I can say no luxury at all but husband by aside she can be the happiest as for her husband is the world.

Urmila was the most brave character of the greatest epic of times “The Ramayan”.Its not at all easy for a women to stay without her husband that to for 14 years .one can’t stay without 14days.

let me tell u can’t even stay without him for a week that to feels lots of emotional roller coasters.

Actually her mother seems to be more braver than her as she raised such an emotionally strong daughter. Her character has bever been highlighted.

she might have a struggled a lot to cope up with the fact that her both daughters who were raised with lots of love n care and determined to take their own decisions.

In Mithila,Raja Janak and Rani Sunayana involved all the four girls in every day decisions of darbar.

Sunayana raised Sita , Urmila ,Mandavi and Kirti in the same manner and gave the same values.Actually she seemed to be more protective about Sita who was not born like Urmila to her.

Mandavi and Kirti had lost their mother very early so all these four girls were raised by Sunayana who was more protective of them than Urmila who was born through her.

Urmila was said to be determined,intelligent,curious from childhood.

Saumitra/Sumitra the mother of Lakshman and shatrughan.she was said to be calm n compost in every situation and the lady who let her son go along with ram and serve the elder brother in jungle. She is also one of the hidden characters of the Ramayan who was the back light or I can say back power of the family in every grievous situation.

But these brave ladies were never ever highlighted.

Just think how these ladies have been handling their emotional storms.

Urmila was really a strong character, stronger than any other from our past stories.

Its never ever easier to leave alone without Husband and that to for so long handling emotions all alone.She seriously had lot of inner strength which helped her to deal with the loneliness in the crowd.

Without husband one feels alone in spite of being surrounded by a village.

One son of the family

Initially we think one son and small family etc etc all goodie goodie

Haha haha

But

it’s not at all like that

you will never be accepted as one of them so easily baby.

Never ever get married to one son of the family

I seriously regret now as I am not able to handle all the emotional roller coaster I am through.

I am seriously hating the life has become now

you can’t stay together

you will always be a second priority(invisible fact)

No stability to settle at one place(sometimes I think I should get settled at hometown at least their might be stable life )

few days with husband ,few days at in-laws

you alone have to take care of your baby

He working in other city you staying in other long distance relationship

you even can’t go to pee at night as baby will get up along with you

you will not have him to hold and help you many such little things

There is so much going on inside me but don’t know find words to express it.

So called society ,family expects you to present for the family duties ignoring the storm going inside.

Indian society sucks !!

Voice out

Today I happen to go for my baby’s Aadhar along with my father in law

I took all the documents handy as it was the first time for my baby to visit Aadhar Kendra for enrollment.

Something strange happened with me ..I was in my Rajouri dress I don’t know know why do I feel under confident when in Rajputi suit .

The operator guy was very cordial entering all the details ,took baby’s photo and entered all the details and made me go check every detail as well and gave me the receipt after submission.

As I was asking information if any issue happen with address in Aadhar then can I come and change it here and such other questions.He might have thought that I don’t know much about the process and he asked me for 100 rupees at last after form submission and I gave it without telling him that this service is free inspite I am being aware if the fact.

After coming back home I was self pity why did not said him no when I was aware of the rules.

I said everything to my father in law and mother in law and said I am going back to the Aadhar enrolment centre .

Matter is not of 100 rupees but my self respect and i was fooled and I went back and as soon I asked him why did he took amount from me he gave me back without resisting.

The I scolded him how can he make people fool and take money .

people are aware nowadays you can’t make them to pay for services which are free of cost.

This may be a small incident but for me it was something for which action needed to be taken .

#corruption #aadhar #enrollment #governmentservice

Me and my Time !!

Me time or my time

never knew its importance until I became mom.

Today got me time after very long time then I understood how much I was carving for this time.

Motherhood is a beautiful but we are also humans we tend to get tired of these motherly duties and yes of course wife duties and daughter in law duties.

So for women like me or I can say who are juggling in the same phase as me can understand how much we need this me time .

when I got this time today I am unable to think upon what I would like to do.

Before this I was like I wants to do this and this what not was going on in my mind but right now I am like just chill moment .

loosing track of things and have become so aloof of what’s going on in the world.

I dont even remember dates as well leave either world or country events …haha lol

I think I am just enjoying this outdated version of me -the version in which I am unaware of everything other than my baby .

Today thought to start writing again but what to write ?when ??

how to start ?

so many things going on

Hopefully I will find myself soon on the track I used to be

along with loving this beautiful creature’s naughtiness

As they say

“Me time is not a luxury but it’s a necessity “

प्यार ,तीज और त्यौहार

क्या महत्व होता त्योहारों का

कभी सोचा ही नहीं था

तुमसे मिलकर जाना

क्यों सजती हैं स्त्रियां

क्या होता हैं तीज का त्योहार

जाना अभी की सारा श्रृंगार

तुम्हारे लिए ही तो हैं

अभी सजना अच्छा इसीलिए लगता

हैं की तु हैं तो दिल धड़कता हैं

तू हैं तो साँस आती हैं

तू हैं तो सजना सवारना हैं

तू हैं तो त्योहारों की महक हैं

तू हैं तो मेहंदी की महक हैं

तू हैं तो पायल की छन छन हैं

तू हैं तो मेरा श्रृंगार हैं

तू हैं सब हैं

In a blink of an eye !!

आज में हर रोज़ से थोड़ी जल्दी उठ गई

और बैठी तुमको निहारती

लग रहा था की

कल ही तो तुम आई हो हमारी ज़िंदगी में

परी बनकर एक बहुत ही प्यारी सी परी

जैसे सोनपरी आती थी फ्रूटी से मिलने

तुम्हारे आने की राह तकते थे हम

बहुत वक्त लगाया तुमने आने में

नौ महीने और ग्याराह दिन लगा दिया आने में

और जैसे ही तुम आई डॉक्टर ने कहा

सोनू देख तेरी नन्ही सी दोस्त आई हैं

अभी तक जो दर्द ट्यून सहा हैं सब

वाजिब था देख एक नज़र इसकी तरफ़

डॉ मैमूना ने कहा और तुझको दिख या मुझको

रूम के बाहर तुम्हारी नानीसा(मम्मी) खड़ी थी

तुम्हारे इंतिजार में मैमूना जी ने उनको गले से

लगाया गले से बोला बधाई हो

आपकी दोइती आई हैं

तुम्हारे पापा पंद्र की रात सोए ही नहीं

पहुचना जो था उनको तुम्हारे पास

तुम आई ९:४५ सुबह और तुम्हारे पापा

पहुच गए तुमसे मिलने १:३० बजे

कैसे कैसे पहुंचे वह तुम तक यह तो

जीव जानता हैं उनका

जैसे ही तुमको देखा आँखे भर आई उनकी

हमने जिस कुकरिए की कल्पना की थी

वह आज हमारे सामने थी

एक परी जो स्वर्ग से सीधे

हमारी ज़िंदगी में उतरी थी

और पलक झपकते ही १ साल

की भी होगयी

Impact of social media on our mental Health !!!

Today while doomscrolling I came across a Pune news where a person disguises a delivery person entered the home of a girl ,used spray to make her unconscious and raped her.He even took pics and left a chilling threat to come back.

After reading the post I got so scared that I became restless for few minutes.

And at the same time suddenly bell rang on asking who is there came to know that water can boy has come to deliver water bottles.

On Calling husband whether he has given order for water or not came to know that he has not ordered for today .

This sent a fear through my spine I calmed down myself and then opened the door took the bottles.

Took out Joseph murphy’s book on sub conscious mind and read few pages then decided to go to for shopping.we did a bit of shopping and then had dinner at one of my favourite Sambharpot.

Then we came home with love and laughter.I am trying to stay away from Instagram or any of the negative news by uninstalling Instagram.

Sometimes I feel too much of information at our finger tips is taking toll on our mental health.

Her first trip 👼

Friday to Sunday we have been to our first trip as parents.

we have done earlier trips but this was the first with our baby.

when you travel with baby we have to plan a lot taking care of their every minute thing.

And this time we were travelling to mountain region so we were of thought that if we don’t find any particular thing which might be needed for her then how will be able to manage ??

so I made sure to keep everything handy.

we always believed in “Less Luggage more Comfort “and on every trip we opted for rented two wheeler and tried to cover the selected spots enjoying every moment.

With her we didn’t wanted to take any risk we had to look after her comfort.

so we left from Delhi by car and we had few more bags making sure to put everything needed for her .

From fruits,vegetables to homemade cerelacs so that she don’t get bored of eating same things.

Seriously after becoming parent we can’t pan anything according to our whims and wishes.our plans go according to their schedules.

Their sleeping time ,lunch ,dinner,snacks etc everything goes according to them.

Now we couldn’t leave the room by 8am to move around the place but happens everything at ease now according to their schedule.

Everything changes after you become parent.

Dilemma’s of being a daughter in law

Today I was leaving with my husband to his work city or the city where he works.

My in laws were saddened as well as happy as our daughter is going to stay with dad as well.

But there were tears as well.when a daughter in law stays with in laws they may be poked for some or the other potty issues but when she goes away tears rolls out.why ?

why can’t we stay happily respecting mutually.Here I mean to say mother in law respecting daughter in law as she does to her.

why not she accepted fully instead of partially as equivalent to her husband and sister in law??

when poking happens disturbing her mental peace why does not she move away from the toxic environment?

Doesn’t she deserve to have a happy life with her husband who stays away??

I dont know why I was feeling as if I am hurting everyone by going along with husband ??

Earlier whenever husband went back to his work city no one cried like this but why now ?

I have gone twice with my husband and I was left with the same feeling of hurting others by moving along with him.

Aren’t we Indian girls embedded with such values from our childhood??

why ?

when I have married him then why should I deserve to be staying along with him ?living life with him ? Living small moments with him ?

I am not able to understand anything right now what all sorts of emotions have been going on in my head and heart.

Am I the culprit to be moving away with husband ??

if yes why daughter staying with husband is right and daughter in law with husband hurts ??

There are many why goes on ..

Motherhood Diaries

when my baby sleeps I get the time to analyse the life .

I get the time to think upon life lately and in that my whole time goes off leaving me with the same dilemma and the same chaos in my mind.

Today while reading “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill the book surrounds around the idea ,a determinant thought.

In the same way I was looking for an idea around which I can build my career again from scratch.But still clueless

That’s true saying from senior mothers(those who have exper Motherhood before me)that life starts from a scratch again after one becomes a mom.

Being a mom is a full time job but one though keeps on killing me from inside that what will I do after she starts going to school or turns to a manageable age.

Haha I even checked eligibility for various exams for which I may be eligible but in vains as I have crossed that age.

From dreaming to being an IAS to now seeing any job for I must be eligibile haha life shows u everything at once.

Does every mom faces the same dilemma??

will I be loosing interest in every thing about which I have dreamt??

when your Husband is away and he is very busy then how and with whom to share the thoughts??

may be my love for writing comes to my rescue!!

Is that Mom’s dreams go in vain ??

am I a failure ??

Does our Mom’s also faced the same situation??

#motherhood #motherhooddiaries #beingamom #momchild #career #dreamsofamom

A day in my life as a new mom

Getting up along with my natural alarm my daughter at around 7-7:30am.

Finish Her chores within half an hour and the taking up on the duty as a. Daughter in law.

As a Indian daughter in law who stays with her in laws has to do all the taam-jhaar i.e wearing our traditional Rajputi poshak ,bindi,lipstick and bangles before leaving the room.

Handing over baby to either father in law or mother in law and then entering kitchen.

As soon as Indian women enters kitchen they loom with the question of what to be prepared for breakfast and lunch.

Gets free from kitchen by 10-10:30am and then again going back to motherly duties of taking care of her food ,washrooms, bath and other things .

I gets free around 2pm completing all my morning chores.

Again when I try to sleep in the afternoon she gets up and starts playing.

we leave our room by 6pm in the evening and again go for dinner preparation.

This way whole day is gone me wandering around her and her toys !

And That’s Normal

Today went for a dinner with friends I can say colleagues from my previous work place.

And took Tanu my daughter along with me as she might not stay without me with her grand parents.

Init she was playing along with one of my friends daughters.

While playing she suddenly vomited on my friend(a little) as they do after food if we don’t get them do burp.I cleaned it.

As a result that spill left its smell on her clothes although a little bit it was there and I was feeling very inconvenient because of that .

I was thinking the same thing after I came back home as well .

I asked myself am I thinking much ??

Am I a bad mom that I couldn’t make her stay hygienic,neat ??

Is this an awkward situation??

what my friends will be thinking and many such stupid thoughts were coming and going in my mind.

I talked regarding this to my husband who was away from the city today .

He made me to chill and asked not to give much thoughts to such stupid things and it’s absolutely normal when you have a small kids .

You can’t control a 9-10 month baby and can’t ask him/her to behave in a certain manner.

So it’s NORMAL and new mommies don’t need to pay any heed to any such situation and what other’s think and all .

Keep yourself calm and enjoy this phase.

They will grow out of your lap soon.

#normal #baby#motherhood